Dear __________,
I won’t use your name here. I dislike using people’s names on something like tumblr.
I don’t know if you’ll stumble upon this yourself. I don’t know if someone will direct you towards this. I don’t know if you’ll even see this. I don’t even know if I really want you to see this.
About two years ago.. Actually about a year and a half ago(?) I was in a terrible place. I was left in a heartbroken state. I was in a rut and constantly foetal. Then, about a year ago, you caught my eye. You lifted me out of this rut. Spending time with you made me so happy. I completely fell for you. Then, after months of swooning for you, I left for university.
I sometimes text you a drunken “I love you” but that’s about the extent of our contact.
I don’t know if you ever knew I felt this way about you. I don’t know if you felt the same way about me. I always wanted to tell you my feelings for you but I was a shit excuse for a person. Maybe if I had told you, we could have had something. Maybe not. Who knows.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I think I just needed to get this out. I was debating whether to even post this up. Then I thought “Fuck it. I’ve got nothing to lose”.
I would have bought you something for Valentine’s Day but getting hold of your address was harder than I thought. Maybe when I’m next home I’ll buy you a load of Kit Kats or a Creme Egg McFlurry. I know they’re your favourites.
I’ve been told by the aforementioned female that I need to tumbl(?) more.
When I tumbl(?) I feel like I’m being a little whiny bitch.
More tumbling(Seriously, is that the verb for using tumblr??) soon. Hopefully it will be better. Probably not.
Finally! Someone has figured out a solution to “where to put that one arm” in the cuddle puzzle.. My husband will be thrilled. (doesnt mean we’re getting one of these but check it out)
I haven’t been this happy in ages. This weekend has left me happier than I have been in a long time.
I went home on Friday. My mate wanted basically everyone there for his 19th. We had a night out to Sheffield with a load of people I haven’t seen in weeks. I’ll get back to this later.
Remember the girl that kicked me in the heart? Recently, we were getting close again. I probably should have learnt from the first time but I had some genuine feelings for her and I have a habit of getting blinded by my emotions.
On Friday, before I left for home, I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to ask her about what we were doing and what was happening between us. I wanted to have the “define the relationship” conversation. I didn’t get the chance to before I left.. and it ate at me.
The whole train journey back home I was trying to organise my thoughts. I couldn’t just let my lack of action dig at me. I decided to just text her about it. I ended up coming up with this:
“It’s been bugging me all day that I didn’t say what I wanted to and it’s bugging me even more that I’m going to text it rather than say it face to face. I’m fucking crazy about you but I need to know if you feel the same about me. I want to be with you but I don’t want to get more emotionally invested in us if you’re not interested. I just don’t want to get hurt. x”
After nearly an hour of waiting, she came back to me with this:
“Don’t worry about it I know how hard these things are. Sorry but I have to go with my gut instinct and say I don’t feel the same. You’re awesome, I can’t really point out a flaw. I just don’t want us to be together. I know it makes no sense, sorry. Believe me, the last thing I wanna do is hurt you xx”
I was pretty much crushed. I spent the rest of the night in the foetal position and listening to Death Cab For Cutie. Pretty sure that was the first time I’ve confessed my feelings to someone. I’ve never really done it before due to fear of rejection. Fear of rejection has stopped me from doing many things.
On Saturday, I went on a night out to Sheffield.
What I really wanted to do was stay in, listen to loud music, and stay in bed. I wasn’t in any mood to be socialable. I’m glad I did go out.
Going out and meeting old friends the friends I left and friends that left for uni was amazing. Being in the company of people that truly knew me, especially whilst in the state that I was, made me feel safe.
At the end of the night, on the minibus journey home, I finally sort of confronted one of the biggest regrets of my life..
I talked to the girl who I was hopelessly in love with and the first girl who ever truely broke my heart.
Since she left me heartbroken, I avoided her completely. Probably one of the worst decisions I’ve made. I had the conversation that I should of had with her a year ago. We talked about loads.
How I’ve been.
How she’s been.
About what happened between us.
How we hated each other for a while.
We apologised even if it wasn’t needed.
Talked about the similarities between ourselves and Tom and Summer from (500) Days Of Summer.
Talked about my failures at finding someone.
Talked about her new relationship with a guy at her uni.
Talked about how I should stop overthinking shit and sometimes just do.
I loved this conversation with her. We never even talked like this to each other when there was something between us. It made me realise how much I missed having her in my life. Hopefully we can be friends again. TBH my best friend right now is a girl I was hopelessly in love with. I would love that sort of friendship with her.
I still believe that she is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.
Getting rejected on Friday hasn’t got to me as much as I thought it would. I thought that I would be foetal for weeks. I just think of it as another lesson learnt.
People said I’ve changed since going to university. Changed in a good way. They said I’ve gained more confidence, said I feel more comfortable around people, said I’m just better.
I think so too.
I’ve noticed that several of my followers are Miyazaki fans, so I thought I share this little tidbit of information with you about Spirited Away.
I always wondered why the symbol “ゆ” (said “yu”) was on the door to the bath house. I asked my Japanese teacher, and he wasn’t too sure so I did a…
tumblr is probably the worst place to release my feelings but I really need a say something. Having these emotions build up inside me is stupid. People can tell that I’ve not been myself all week and I’ve just lied and shrugged it off. I’m a terrible liar.
Since coming to uni there was a girl that I was getting close to. We both told each other that there was clearly something between us but there was the problem that she was already in a relationship. She told me that she wasn’t happy with the relationship and that she was going to end it soon. I waited.
Around a fortnight ago she stayed the night at mine (and most of the following day). Nothing happened. I mean she was still with her boyfriend and we both probably of just felt shit about it. The next day she did attempt to break up with him but it didn’t happen. Something about her going home for that weekend anyway and he would rather them sort it out face to face.
That weekend I waited for that relationship to end and yet again nothing.
The following Friday (last week) she told me that she split up with her boyfriend. It’s horrible but I was really happy about it. Problem was that I was going home for that weekend. I left on Friday night and said my goodbyes. Although I loved going home and seeing my friends, that weekend was probably where it went sour.
I came back on the Sunday and she was really close to someone else. The guy was my neighbour and someone that I thought was my friend. That was a week ago.
I haven’t really been okay since then. This past week I’ve been laying in the foetal position and listening to music that won’t help my mood at all. I’ve been trying to avoid everyone. I don’t know what to do. I keep blaming myself. I want to hate them but I can’t. I want to scream constantly. I would love to be surrounded by close friends right now but me recently moving to Cambridge prevents that a bit.
I’ve been like this before. I would love to know how I got out of it last time.
(Sorry if stuff is non-sensical. I just need to get stuff out my head.)
